I Don’t Do Facebook

Okay, here’s the thing: When I offered to stalk your crush on Facebook for you, I was kidding. I don’t actually stalk people on Facebook. I don’t do Facebook. Or Twitter. Why not? Because…

1.) I have enough trouble keeping up with my email. Facebook and Twitter are email on crack.

2.) I take my friendships seriously. Friends require tending and care. 242 friends are too many friends for me to tend to and care for. (Except for you, of course. You’re no trouble at all.)

3.) I’m pretty sure that no one cares what I had for breakfast, that I’m grocery shopping this afternoon, or that I have a date with my husband tomorrow night. The people who do care – like my husband and daughter – know these things already, and the people who don’t know, really shouldn’t care. If they do…well, is it really a good idea to encourage one’s wannabe stalkers in this way? (Not you. I’m not calling you a “wannabe stalker”. At all. You are reading my blog, so of course, you are fine. I love you. And if you just happen to be a teensy bit curious…well, a little curiosity is healthy, right? I had coffee for breakfast; I am grocery shopping this afternoon, and have a date with my husband tomorrow night. Okay? Okay. Thanks. Glad we got that straightened out.)

4.) I refuse to subscribe to the crack-addict-crazy philosophy that if you’re not on Facebook or Twitter, you don’t exist. Of course I exist! Who else could’ve spilled that coffee on the stairs…and left it there – for now? DUH. (Calm down. I said FOR NOW. I’m not awake enough for cleaning yet. I have to work myself up to cleaning. Slooowly. I’ll get to it, okay? I will. I really will. Okay, okay, I’m doing it now! Sheesh! Be right back, stalker friend.)

Okay, all clean. Where were we? Oh yes…

5.) Is it really a good idea to give one’s ex-boyfriends and the like an open window into your life, and the lives of your family and friends? Okay, maybe all your ex-boyfriends are perfectly normal functioning human-beings, as opposed to a-whole-lotta-crazy-going-on. But I had a few lapses in judgment along the way. In my case, it’s definitely NOT a good idea. (I’m not saying that all my ex-boyfriends are kook-a-doodle-doo, only one or two of them. If you happen to be an ex-boyfriend, I’m obviously not referring to you. You are reading my blog, so you’re obviously the picture of perfect mental health and intelligence. Obviously.)

Look, if you choose to do Facebook and Twitter, I’m not judging you. But I choose not to do Facebook and Twitter, and I’ve got reasons, good reasons, all neatly typed, with official numbers beside them and everything! So, don’t judge me either, okay? Thanks.

Oh, and by the way, you are still totally rockin’ those jeans. Really. No, I wasn’t kidding about that. Who jokes about jeans? Not me. I take denim very seriously.

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